No matter how you spin it, speed dating is still just a room full of women wondering where all the men are. I learned this the hard way after attending speed dating events pre-pandemic. Most of the men who attended weren’t paying to be there—they were either incentivized with free tickets or they were ‘filling seats’ while being a part of the event team. The women, on the other hand, showed up in droves—eager, hopeful, all dressed up only to be let down. Fast forward to 2025, and I’m not surprised to see women on social media sharing very similar experiences with today’s speed dating events:
too few men,
creepy men,
or men who weren’t really available.
It’s a frustrating paradox for women.
Men say they’re lonely, but they won’t go where women are—spaces where women feel safe and comfortable. And single women? They’re just as lost, wondering where all the single men are. The truth is, they’re probably at home, just like us.
It’s as if we’re living in parallel universes, each wondering how to teleport over to the other side.
To put it succinctly, finding a meaningful connection is challenging. Despite the popularity of dating apps and social media, many singles struggle to form deep, lasting relationships.
Because of these issues, many singles have sworn off dating altogether - deciding to accept the status quo. Yet, psychologists have found that the happiest singles are those who are happily as a single person but who also remain open to finding a partner.
Why Connection is Hard These Days:
Modern dating is fraught with challenges. The constant bombardment of information, the pressure to present a perfect image, and the fear of vulnerability all contribute to the difficulty of forming genuine connections. According to a 2021 survey by the Pew Research Center, 50% of single adults in the U.S. say that dating has become harder in the past 10 years. In a world where superficial interactions are the norm, it's no wonder that many singles find it hard to meet someone who truly understands them.
My speed dating experience was a microcosm of a much larger issue: the disconnect between where men and women are looking for connection. It’s not just about speed dating—it’s about the broader challenges of modern dating that keep millions of singles from finding each other. From gamified dating apps to the fear of vulnerability, the barriers to connection are real, and they’re keeping us in parallel universes. Let’s dive in.
Fears Holding Singles Back
1. Fear of Rejection:
Fear of rejection is one of the most common and paralyzing fears. It can prevent singles from putting themselves out there, leading to missed opportunities and a sense of isolation. Men often struggle with this fear the most, as societal expectations can pressure them to take the initiative in dating. A survey by eHarmony found that 41% of men fear rejection more than women.
2. Fear of Vulnerability:
Being vulnerable means opening up and showing one's true self, which can be daunting. Many singles fear that if they reveal their true selves, they will be judged or rejected. Women often grapple with this fear, as they may feel societal pressures to appear "perfect" in relationships. A study by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that women are more likely to fear vulnerability due to societal expectations.
3. Fear of Failure:
The fear of failure in relationships can be a significant barrier. Singles may worry that they will not be able to maintain a successful relationship, leading them to avoid dating altogether. This fear can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the fear of failure prevents them from even trying. Both men and women can experience this fear, but it tends to manifest differently for each gender. According to a 2020 survey by Match.com, 35% of singles fear that they will fail in a relationship.
4. Fear of Being Seen:
The fear of being truly seen for who you are, including all your imperfections and vulnerabilities, can create barriers to forming deep connections. Do you remember Miranda from Sex and the City? She struggled with this fear when she was getting to know Steve. She said, “I don’t want you to see that my kitchen sponges stink!” This fear can affect both genders equally, as the desire to be accepted and loved for one's true self is universal. A study by Psychology Today highlighted that 30% of singles fear being truly seen by a potential partner.
Bonus: Overcoming Limiting Beliefs:
Limiting beliefs about oneself and relationships can also hold singles back. These beliefs can create a negative mindset and prevent individuals from pursuing meaningful connections. By identifying and challenging these limiting beliefs, singles can cultivate a more positive and empowering mindset, opening the door to fulfilling relationships. Research by Stanford University found that individuals who challenge their limiting beliefs are 25% more likely to form successful relationships.
Bridging the Gap:
For centuries, men and women coupled together out of economic necessity and traditional gender roles. Women relied on men for economic support, while men relied on women for emotional and child-bearing support. Today, these roles have been tossed out (to a degree), and the landscape of dating has changed dramatically.
Bridging the gap now involves acknowledging that dating won't always be fun or easy. Instead, it can feel like an exhausting job application process, where both parties are searching for a compatible partner who shares their values and goals in a relationship.
Different Social Spaces:
Women’s Preferred Activities:
Disclaimer: Single women may find safety and comfort in these spaces listed below but they are more likely to run into groups of friends, people on dates and established couples in these venues.
Wine Tastings and Events: I can’t tell you how many times my friends have complained that they went to a wine tasting hoping to meet a guy. You might meet a guy if you went every week for a 6 mos. I learned that women enjoy wine tastings, upscale salons and social events centered around wine, which provide a relaxed and sophisticated atmosphere. Single men don’t demonstrate that they need these comforts to have fun.
Speed Dating Events: Speed dating events are popular among women as they offer a safe, structured and efficient way to meet potential partners. In my pre-pandemic dating days, I learned first hand that men don’t value these events at all. At least not the eligible, single male. This reflects another disconnect.
Coffee Shops and Cafés: Women are frequently found in coffee shops, enjoying a cozy and social environment ideal for casual meetups and conversations. I do believe it’s possible to meet a single, eligible male in a coffee shop. If women prefer to take this route, they should plan on visiting that coffee shop at the same time every week for several months for best results.
Yoga and Fitness Classes: Many women participate in yoga and fitness classes, which can also be social activities where they meet like-minded individuals. But rarely do they meet men interested and available to participate in hetero relationships. Rarely do men participate in these spaces in a non-creepy way.
Book Clubs and Literary Events: Women often engage in book clubs and literary events, enjoying discussions and connections around shared interests in literature. The same advice applies. It’s not that an eligible, straight, single man wouldn’t be interested in a book club, it’s about the liklihood of that happening.
I could go on and on. But the statistics show that even in acamedia pairing up is harder with more women pursuing college and graduate studies while men’s participation has significantly declined over the years. How do we overcome that? There’s an ongoing theme of these sexes being at odds with each other. Even on dating apps, the men and women who truly want to find a serious relationship experience the most difficulties in getting paired up to begin with!
Men’s Preferred Activities:
Disclaimer: While women are looking for comfort and safety when they go out, men are looking for camraderie, physical exercise, work and quality time (or food) with family. We see that in the way they spend their time resulting in scenarios where women might not feel comfortable.
Bars with Coworkers: Eligible single men are often found socializing with their coworkers at bars, enjoying a more relaxed and informal environment.
Hiking and Outdoor Adventures: Men frequently participate in hiking and outdoor activities, enjoying the physical challenge and camaraderie of nature excursions. There are a lot of women who love hiking but few recommend it as a way to meet a partner.
Gym / Running: Many men are active in gyms and fitness centers, focusing on their health and wellness while also enjoying the social aspect of these spaces. Although single men and women attend gyms, it’s interesting to note that many women may not feel comfortable being approached in those spaces and likely not when they’re running alone.
Working Overtime: Eligible single men might also be found working late hours, dedicating themselves to their careers and professional growth. The example that comes to mind is Derek Jeter, who was not interested in a serious relationship until he had retired from baseball.
Mom’s House: Some of the most eligible men love mom or perhaps still live with mom. And when they’re not at work, that’s where they are. With mom. It takes a pretty determined woman to set her sights on a man who prioritizes mom to this extent.
I could list more examples, but I think you get the picture. There’s a large group of single men and single women who just can’t seem to make a connection happen.
Conclusion:
Eligible singles occupy different physical and cognitive spaces and engage in activities targeted to their gender, career, needs and interests which makes it more challenging to experience those romanticized meet cutes. Single women can be found at wine tastings, book clubs, and dance classes, while eligible men may be at bars with coworkers, hiking, or running outside. Single women are more likely to have their groceries delivered, pursue advanced degrees, and seek out pilates or yoga classes. Single men, on the other hand, are less likely to participate in these activities.
It's almost as if we occupy two parallel universes, both wondering how to get to the other side. Recognizing these differences and stepping out of our comfort zones can help bridge the gap and lead to meaningful connections.
Reflecting on my speed dating experiences, I can’t help but wonder: what would it take to bridge the gap between these parallel universes? The answer isn’t simple, but it starts with recognizing the divide. Whether you’re a man who’s hesitant to step into a wine tasting or a woman who’s tired of swiping through dating apps, the first step is acknowledging that the other side exists—and that it might be closer than you think.
Singles who remain open to love despite these challenges should should be rewarded with a bigger tax break (jk). They are willing to put themselves out there, repeatedly over an extended period of time while also working to overcome their fears and limiting beliefs.
Cheers to the singles who remain open to love!
Throughout this article, you’ll notice that I held back from offering solutions to these challenges. My reasons for doing so are simple. Finding a partner is an extremely personal experience because we all have unique strengths, development areas and traumas. To offer generalized advice would undermine how special and unique we all are.
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