The Relationship Hierarchy in the United States
a closer look ...
Americans tend to view relationships through a hierarchical lens with marriage traditionally occupying the top tier. For better or worse, this unspoken, systematically enforced hierarchy influences societal perceptions and individual experiences. Furthermore, it constantly shapes how people view themselves and others based on their relationship status.
We’ll explore the different tiers of this hierarchy, starting with married couples, divorced individuals, unmarried couples, and singles, and explore the dynamics at play.
Married Couples: The Pinnacle of the Hierarchy
American culture has long touted marriage as the gold standard for relationships. This aspect of our culture is front and center in television shows, movies, books and music. Our society often places married couples on a pedestal, associating marriage with stability, success, and fulfillment. This societal validation can make married individuals feel more secure and valued. The belief that marriage is the ultimate goal can lead to a sense of accomplishment and contentment among those who are married.
In 2022, there were approximately 61.44 million married couples in the United States1. Married-couple households made up 47% of all households, a significant decrease from 71% in 19702.
However, this societal preference for marriage can also create pressure and issues of identity. Many married people derive their sense of worth from their marital status, believing that being married makes them more respectable or successful. At the same time, many married people do not know who they are outside of marriage.
This can lead to an inherent bias against other relationship statuses, reinforcing the idea that marriage is superior. Due to this, individuals in marriages often remain in unhappy relationships because they seek external validation from society and lack the sense of self confidence needed to envision life without marriage.
Unmarried Couples: The Middle Ground
Unmarried couples, whether cohabiting or in long-term relationships, occupy a middle ground in the relationship hierarchy. They will enjoy many of the benefits of a committed relationship such as couple oriented gatherings and events (single friends are typically not invited). Yet, they too will face societal pressure to “make it official” through marriage. This pressure will come from family, friends, and even societal norms that equate marriage with legitimacy and commitment.
Many couples who decide to get married do so with the intent to start a family, to benefit from tax breaks and to share health insurance benefits among their household.
Among cohabitating adults aged 18 to 44, 59% have lived with an unmarried partner at some point in their lives, while 50% have ever been married1.
That said, many unmarried couples choose to remain unwed for various reasons. Personal beliefs, financial considerations, or even a desire for autonomy could lead a couple to remain unwed partners. Their choice challenges the traditional hierarchy and promotes the idea that commitment and love do not require legal validation.
Divorced Individuals: Navigating a Complex Status
Divorce, while more accepted today than in the past, still carries a certain stigma. Divorced individuals often find themselves in a liminal space within the relationship hierarchy. They have experienced marriage but are no longer part of a couple, which can lead to feelings of failure or inadequacy due to societal expectations.
In this situation, men lose the 24/7 help and support from their wives. Because of this, fewer men tend to remain unwed after a divorce.Divorced women may experience a change in the lifestyle their accustomed to an
d they may also their previously close network of married friends.
Fewer people are remarrying after divorce than did so in the past. In 2008, there were 48.9 remarriages per 1,000 previously married males and 25.2 remarriages per 1,000 previously married females. Those numbers fell to 32.0 remarriages per 1,000 males and 17.2 remarriages per females.[6]
Despite these challenges, many divorced men and women can find a renewed sense of self and independence. In their ‘second’ act, they often challenge the notion that marriage is the only path to happiness, opting for personal growth and fulfillment outside of traditional marital structures.
Singles: Challenging the Status Quo
Singles, whether by choice or circumstance, often find themselves at the bottom of the relationship hierarchy. Without explicitly saying so, society tends to view single individuals as incomplete or lacking, perpetuating the idea that everyone should aspire to be part of a couple. This can be observed daily with many businesses providing specialized experiences and offerings for a 2 person minimum. This behavior easily shuts out 47% of the population (who happen to be single).
For singles, these behaviors can lead to feelings of marginalization and pressure to conform to societal expectations.
However, many singles are actively challenging this narrative. They embrace their independence and reject the notion that marriage is the ultimate goal.
In 2022, approximately 46.4% of U.S. adults aged 18 and over were single1. This includes individuals who have never married, as well as those who are divorced or widowed. This translates to about 117.6 million unmarried adults in the United States1.
In a surprising twist, people who are unapologetically single can be unsettling for married individuals who derive their sense of worth from their marital status. The idea that someone can be happy and fulfilled without a partner shakes the foundations of their worldview, leading to irritation, discomfort and the need reinforce their partnership in some way.
The Impact of Challenging the Hierarchy
When singles reject the traditional hierarchy and embrace their independence, it can create tension with those who adhere to and value conventional norms.
This tension highlights the need for a more inclusive and flexible understanding of relationships. By recognizing the value and legitimacy of all relationship statuses, society can move towards a more equitable and accepting view of personal fulfillment.
Bringing it all together
The relationship hierarchy in the United States is deeply ingrained, influencing how people perceive themselves and others based on their relationship status.
While marriage remains highly valued, there is a growing movement towards recognizing and validating diverse relationship choices.
We should all challenge ourselves to embrace a broader spectrum of relationships. By doing so, we can create a more inclusive and supportive society for everyone, regardless of their relationship status.
It’s be interesting to add remarried. Some people I know are remarried and almost no one remembers that there was a first marriage (especially if all/any of the kids are from marriage 2) and others where everyone talks about oh this is the second / third marriage for them.